Freezing feet

Today was again a London day. My normal London days are that I'm going to London in the morning, taking a paper to legislation office, waiting there 30 to 60 minutes that its ready and then head back to the office. So mostly I just sit in a train or a bus, because it takes quite some time.

It was okay weather when I left home, forgot my jacket home, but luckily did remember my umbrella. It started pouring when I arrived to London. I was so soaked even when I took the tube, there were these huge puddles and I had to step on some to get on the other side of the road. My converse shoes are not waterproof so my feet got soaked. Like totally. You could hear the splish splash noises when I was walking. So not good for my poor feet.

Need a washup

Short story even shorter, I did not drink enough water during the day, got a really back headache, freezing feet that started to get little warmer around eight pm. I decided to have a lazy day, just browsing different blogs, watched The Prince of Egypt and drank lots of water and some Chamomille tea. No evening Bootea today, next time tomorrow.

My aunt gave me those woollen socks as a Christmas present quite many years ago, but I still love them. They say "Left" and "Right" in Finnish, because when I got them, I was in the army and had to remember which is which. Maybe I should learn how to knit socks. Its not that hard.

Now off to bed, normal day tomorrow, maybe even to the gym before work, we'll see.

My Grand Design

Change is good and it's inevitable. For some time already there have been a thought of change in my head, to do something new for my blog. Today was time for it. Did not exactly know what I wanted, but after sitting many hours on the computer and modifying pictures, trying to see what looks good, what does not and changing the pictures so many times.

The name changed, because the old one was not completely true with this blog. In here I'm mostly writing about my journey towards skinnier me and now the blog reflects that and not just something. I'll still write about other stuff that I'll do, so not only about my eating and exercise habits, because that would be plain boring.

My Grand Design. The name already gets me very exited. Some of you might have heard of the British show where they do these awesome renovations? I like watched only one episode, but it was so nice. Then there are these other tv shows like 24 hour design. That already tells me that the change is going be done fast, but it might not be this really good change. So my change is going to be done with a grand design, with care so that after I have reached my goal, I will not return to the bad stuff, gaining weight or stop doing exercise.

Lifestyle change continued today with morning gym. Was there before ten and the training that I did, almost killed me. I was so done after the session and almost took a bus home, but did not. Walking home was a good cool down. Have to do still some stretching, because I want to be able to move tomorrow. My butt muscles are sore from yesterday. Going down the stairs hurts and I live on the top floor.

Next week I'm going to do some more changes on the blog pages. But now, good night everybody.

Fat vs. Muscle

After starting the Cambridge Weight plan and telling some of my family and friends that I am doing it, the reactions has been very different. My sister A has been here for me all the time, supporting and motivating me. Yesterday told my mom that I have lost almost 10kg in little over one month and she was worried that I might be losing the weight too fast. Some of my friends have the same reaction.

From so many places you have read or heard that muscle weighs more than fat. Maybe you have even seen the picture underneath, with 5 pounds of fat and 5 pounds of muscle and the muscle is so much smaller and nicer to look at. These things I have been thinking, especially after starting to move more, going to the gym and doing long walks. It might be that next Wednesday there is not going to be so much weight loss, because of the exercise that I have during this week and what I will continue to do. But if there is no changes on the scale, we are going to take the measurements and then see if there has been any changes.

When looking at the fat picture, I feel ill. The amount of fat in my body is way too much and I want to get rid of it. I'm not one of those lucky people who can almost eat anything they want, without any changes in them. But I'm working towards my goal now.

Another topic that I have been thinking for sometime, are the different body types. Mine is apple, all the fat stores in my middle section, arms and face. Like those areas have some kind of magnet that calls for the fat towards them. Maybe it's from my genes. Getting rid of the fat in my belly and arms is number one goal and unfortunately you cannot choose from where the fat starts burning away. When exercising, I think this is the conversation that my different body parts are having :

"Brain: Oh! We are doing exercise so lets get rid of the extra fat! Belly are you listening?

Belly: ..Sleeping..

Brain: C'mon Belly, wake up! You have to get rid of the extra fat!

Belly: ..Still sleeping..

Brain: Well I try to wake Bell later, maybe Arms are happy to lose the extra fat. Hey Arms, you awake? Time to lose the extra fat!

Arms: Almost sleeping.. trying to ignore Brain..

Brain: What is with everybody! Now is a really good time to get rid of the extra fat. 

Legs, Butt and Boobs: We're awake! We can lose some extra fat!

Brain: Well its good that somebody listens to me, but you three do not have that much extra, but it's better to lose some than none. "

So that is the reason why my belly and arms are in the worst shape, they just do not want to lose the extra fat. but that is not good enough and soon the extra has get burning away. I might be vain, but one of the reasons why I'm doing this, is because I want to buy clothes that really look good on me, different colours.. And I also want to be able to jog/run 10k. That is one of my goals for the future. Always hated running, but getting used to it very slowly.

Koska me ei olla enää me

The topic name is a name of a song from young Finnish female artist and it means "because we are no us anymore." Song about time after breakup and when people have moved on. Fits my feelings perfectly.

You wake up thinking its February, you're in Helsinki, having a hungover and recent breakup with your boyfriend. Your memories surface, moments that you thought you have forgotten, become so clear and you curse the past. Why do the dreams of him bother again? Has not there been enough time already? Especially when you were happy in the dream. Is conscious trying to tell something?
That maybe moving to UK was a mistake, should have stayed there, not parted our ways in February. Would there be happiness in my life at the moment?

All those questions have plagued me immediately after waking up. I am happy here. I do not have friends yet, but I have been here only for under two months. In friends I do not calculate my coworkers, because I do not see them on my free time. I miss my friends, family and even sometimes him, but mostly the good times with him, having fun, enjoying ourselves. Not the insecure moments when doubting everything and anything.

When feeling sad, think of happy thoughts, think of your goals, things you want to do and experience. Been trying to tell that to myself. Living in the moment, but still planning for the future. Trying to avoid being this realistically pessimistic person, who does not think that she could succeed at anything. Looking in the mirror, saying to myself that I'm pretty, sometimes even beautiful. Today did not feel pretty. Felt bloated, sad and lonely. Felt like texting him, some silly text message, like normally, just telling about my day, if he would like to come over. But he's over me, doing different stuff and would not think that he would be thinking of me.

I did hope that it could have been something permanent.But not anymore. I'll make my own happiness.

Here is a link for the song.

Cravings are killing me!

Today has been hell! Well maybe not hell, but really close to hell. Quiet day at work and I have only been thinking about different kinds of foods, sweets, pastries AKA everything unhealthy that I would regret immediately after eating. Day begun quite well, woke up later than normally would, but still had the time to do everything before catching the bus. When arriving to the office, there was different kinds of cakes in the kitchen! Not a good thing. That would not be a bad thing if it would be once a month, cakes in kitchen are like a weekly thing. I had my breakfast, today's choice was normal porridge and it tasted okay, not too good or not too bad. For lunch there again pasta and around 4:30 I drank a toffee and walnut shake. It tasted okay, better than the mango one. I almost took some of the cake, but I did not crack. Even skipped going to the library, because though that I would crack, walk to Tesco and buy something bad. Like Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream.

Just came home, washed makeup away, took contact lenses off and changed more comfortable clothes on. Then sent a text to my consultant, told her about my cravings and she asked if I had some. I was so happy that I could say no, I did not have anything. I have started to have the soup in the evening, around eight is a good time for me, I start watching NCIS at the same time, but I never finish the episode thats going on. So been used to not having a television, so the one in my room is just there, never been on while I have lived here.

I also messaged with my friend and I think she has bought flight tickets to London in the end of August! I'm so happy. I have known her for twenty years and I'm going to know her for the next twenty something years. I have moved quite many times during my life, so sometimes you don't keep in touch with all of your friends and they just drop off. With some friends, it may be that you do not see them so often, but can continue from where you left it. I have those too, but I like to keep in contact more often than twice a year.

Here some strawberries that I can imagine eating..

I'm satisfied that I got the cravings, now it feels like there has been change happening, not just eating these products, but no weight coming off. But on the other hand I wish that I did not have these cravings, thinking about food is annoying. Just trying to think about Thursday. That is going to be an interesting day. I'm guessing that I've only lost under 3 pounds. Been reading about these success stories, where people lose from eight pounds till eleven pounds. How do they do that? No thinking about how others do it, I'm doing it too, slowly but surely.

PS. I have to come up with a Disney character that I want to dress up as.. No ideas so I'm listening to suggestion. Nothing too major though, have to have the costume on the 30th.

Sunday nights thoughts and musings

Its Sunday, I'm laying in my bed and listening songs about change, hopelessness and death. Yeah I know, not a good combination, but those songs got me thinking about all the changes I have wanted to do for a long while. Especially concerning about my own body and how unsatisfied I'm with it.

Last fall when I started my internship at the Finnish Government, I was full of motivation and energy for my lifestyle change. I woke up early, went to the gym before or after work and I ate okay. Not too little and not too much. I started losing weight, I could see it in the pictures and feel it when buying new clothes, because the old ones were too big for me. Then came the student cruise. I knew I was going to be drinking too much and eating at the buffet, but it was okay. I knew I could continue eating healthy and exercising.  I was dressed up as Ursula from the Little Mermaid and I even won the first prize. That doesn't usually happen to me, because I do not like participating in competitions.

The cruise was going from Helsinki to Stockholm and back, it took around 20 hours. On the second night I had been participating in a drinking game with some students from Metropolia UAS and some time after two in the morning, I decided to have some fresh air and then go to our cabin and fall asleep. If only that would have happened. I was so plastered, so only memories about going outside were talking to two guys about that there were no handle in the door. Now I know that I stayed there talking with them and later went dancing with one of the guys. From that sentence only you know I had way too much to drink, because I don't dance. At all. Not good at it. Short story even shorter, I did not end up in my own cabin for a long time. The guy was nice, funny and I did not think that I would see him again after the cruise. But I did see him again. We started hanging out weekly, going to student parties together and just having fun. I started getting feelings, that I did not want to get, because something in me told that he did not want the same things, and that something was right. During the spring I went and said what I want, asked what he wants and he could not answer that so I just said to him that maybe it would be better, if he left. And he did. I waited until I heard both of the doors close and then I started crying. I also kept thinking that how he could like me, because I do not like what I see in the mirror.

From that point on began my really depressed period. My school work suffered, I did not see my friends that much, I stopped completely exercising, ate only junk food and almost 24/7 I stayed inside. That continued until late May. There were sometimes that I saw the guy in student parties and it really hurt me. I did not want to see him, but I did want to see him. During the spring I had applied for many jobs in Finland, but got nothing. I became even more depressed. In the beginning of May I started applying to jobs in Ireland and UK. I was so depressed, that I did not even think that I would get a job from anywhere. Then in the end of May came and I got a job offer from UK. I answered the email immediately and said that I would take the place. Anything to get away from Finland and bad/good memories. Still during June, I ate very unhealthy foods and drunk quite much alcohol. I dreamt about being thin, skinny and looking pretty, but when I looked in the mirror, I became more and more sad.

One week after flying to UK, I decided that I'm going to lose weight. The journey have started last Thursday. I did a very throughout research about different kinds of diets and nothing seemed to fit myself. Thought quite much about juicing, but that would be a big hassle in the mornings. Then I found Cambridge weight plan site. In that plan you have different steps and a consult during the whole thing. I sent a text to one consultant, but she did not answer so I decided to try another one and this time sent her an email. She answered me and we decided to meet on the 8th of July. During the whole Wednesday I was nervous. Would I be too big? Could she help me? Would I have the backbone for eating only different Cambridge plan products, such as shakes, soups, porridge and pasta in the beginning? My consultant is really positive and nice woman and I really think that she can help me with this. She sends text messages, asking how its going, are there any problems and just making me feel that she cares really if I succeed or not.

So on Thursday I begun my journey. Because I am 175cm tall, I'm eating four Cambridge products per day. The first few days went okay, little headaches here and there, going to the bathroom many times because I drank so much water. Saturday I felt ravenous about food, I kept thinking about all the foods I'm not having, but I kept eating the products, drinking tea and water. And thinking about if I want to write about this journey I'm starting. But I want to so here I am. Normally if I start dieting or going to the gym, I don't tell anybody, because if/when I fail, nobody knows about it. I can suffer alone and continue eating junk. But this time I'm going to succeed. Fourth day going and I should be in ketosis soon. Hopefully. No more food cravings.

Some of the products taste good, but some are really yuck. Especially Maple and Walnut Porridge. Never again that one. The pasta and Risotto are good, and the soups too. Sometimes the shakes taste maybe little too sweet. I'm not eating the bars yet, hopefully they are good. I started from the step one that is Sole Source, meaning you eat three or four products a day, four in my case. The maximum time for that step is 12 weeks. If you want to continue, you have to have a week of eating more food and then you can continue with it. On the step one I'm eating between 440-555kcal. Not much. But not that hungry, lucky me. Maybe its the water I keep chugging down.

I have tried to find so many different blogs and forums about this, and some of them were even good, but there were not that many. Maybe because this is not that "in" at the moment. Diets change so fast, first there is this and then there is that. But this is for me. Mind over matter.

Products for the six days from Friday on. 

First day in Reading

Where am I? was the first thought in my mind when I woke first time today. The bad is different and the pillows are hard, but I slept actually quite well and I decided just lay in the bed for some time. Charging my batteries and all that. I got up around ten, ate breakfast, updated the blog and then I decided to find a bank. Nice and easy day, or that's what I thought in the morning. It has been a very warm day so I decided to walk to the center, much easier and it was nice to look around, find new places and routes.

So I got on my way after twelve and it took around twenty five minutes for me to walk to the centre, I was walking so slowly. The first bank that I visited was called Barcalays and it was located on Broad St. It looked like a nice bank, I walked inside, waited for a little while and then a woman came to me and asked who she can help me. I told that I would like to open a bank account. Then she said that I need to have a identification and a proof of residence. I thought it was okay, because I had my passport and tenancy agreement. But it wasn't because the tenancy agreement wasn't enough. I should have had a letter, for example a bill or a letter from my employer, sent to the address where I live. It would have taken to next next that I would have gotten the account opened so I decided to find another bank.

On the same street was a bank called Lloyds. Again I went inside, said that I wanted to open a bank account and this time she only asked for my passport. I thought that this time it would be easier. Then she said that there are no available times until the next Tuesday. I could not believe my luck. I thanked the lady and walked away. One block away, there was third bank and it was called HSBC. I had read before moving to UK, that it was quite hard to open an account there if you were a foreigner. I still decided to try, give it a chance. I should have not done that. They asked for identification, proof of address and national insurance number. I just thanked the person and continued the search.

The next bank that I found, was called NatWest. I had read about it and people said it would be easy to open an account there and I could have succeeded if my landlady would have not been private. That was the only problem with my tenancy agreement. At that point I was starting to get annoyed and little bit tired. But the person who I talked with said that I should try Metro Bank on Oxford Rd.

I started my journey there, but just before I was there, I noticed this other bank called TSB, just across the Metro Bank. I walked inside and said to teller that I want to open an account and he directed me to a person who hopefully could help me with it. There I said the problem and after some time, it first looked like that I could not open an account there without the National Insurance Number. Then she called to somebody and asked about it and they told that I could open the account just with my passport. I was so happy about it. The opening took around 30 minutes and after opening the account, I went to Tesco, bought some food, walked home and unpacked my bags and then decided to take it easy for the rest of the evening. The next things I should take care of is getting a sim card, national insurance number and a bus card. But that is for another day.

Feeling like home

Bags are unpacked

Blue sky and no rain