Slowly but surely

Sunset at Prospect Park on Tuesday

Anticipation. [An-tis-uh-pey-shuh n]. Noun. There are different meanings for this word, but for the last week, all of these have been going through my mind and the feeling grew bigger and bigger until yesterday 7pm and I stepped on the scale again. 115.0 kg. The number had gone down from last week, but only 0.6kg. Not that motivating. But we took the measurements too. Those were really nice. We usually take them every three weeks, so that is one reason that the numbers drop is good.

1.        The act of anticipating or the state of being anticipated.
2.        Realization in advance; foretaste.
3.        Expectation or hope.
4.        Previous notion; slight previous impression.

Sometimes when looking in the mirror, I believe that I can see the change, but my brain tries to tell me that it’s not right, you’re really not getting thin or skinny or fit, you’re not losing weight, it’s just your imagination or wishful thinking. That is the biggest reason I do not own a scale. I would be going on it way too much, maybe every morning, wanting to see change, especially with a diet like this. But it’s not good for me. Trying to concentrate on the light feeling, fitting in the clothes that did not fit me before, because that has happened already with a pair of jeans and a dress.

When doing a lifestyle change, brains are the hardest muscle to train. Everything between your ears might be fighting the change, make you think about all the things you think you want, but really don’t. Like especially when it’s certain time, you think you’re hungry, but you’re not. It’s just the cravings shouting, wanting sugar and everything that is bad for you.

Yesterday after the weigh in I felt like going to Sainsbury’s, buy some small cakes, biscuits, cookies and sweets. Just because I did not meet my weekly goal. My brains tried to tell me that, because I failed, I should comfort myself with something that would give me a sugar high. Have done it so many times in the future. Eating for the problems I have, eating when celebrating, eating when sad, eating when mad, just eating when anything good or bad happens to me. Yesterday the same thing almost happened. But it did not. Went home, messaged with my sister, changed clothes and started walking towards the gym. In the pouring rain. So many times when walking there I thought about taking the bus there or completely just skipping the gym. But I did not.

I was almost soaked when arriving to the gym, but had change pair of pants, changed them on and started my routine. It went well, felt great doing it, next week I have to add little more weight on some parts, because it felt too easy for me. Same time I was at the gym, there two guys going bench pressing and biceps and two girls first on treadmill and stationary bikes. It was little cliché that the guys concentrated only on their upper body, same thing that they did on Monday when I was there. Hopefully they do not forget leg days. Insert laugh here. The girls were quite cliché too. Seen them there before, just doing cardio. I don’t have the right to judge anybody but myself, but when seeing them just doing cardio, in quite slow pace, I felt like going to talk with them, asking about their goals, why they are going to the gym. I know that I’m no personal trainer or have so much information about the subject, but I know some. Maybe one day I’ll go and ask if they want any help, but now I’ll just concentrate on getting myself into awesome shape.

After my gym session, I walked home and it was not raining anymore. All the disappointment that I felt towards the weigh in scales melted away at the gym and that is the biggest reason I could go there every day. Even left my phone home, had some really awesome me time without any technology and did not miss it. You should try it too. Put your phone on flight mode for certain amount of time, just doing something that does not include technology.

Now I’m trying not to think about the weight that is not going down as fast I would like it to and concentrate more on feeling good and going to the gym. Maybe even volunteering on something. I’ll never know what might happen when I really start doing things and not just thinking about doing them.

Everyday Minerals Makeup Brushes

 I also ordered some Everyday Mineral makeup brushes from eBay, posting about them on weekend and some of my makeup habits, skin conditions and other stuff.

Happy Go Lucky Feelings in the morning

Sleeping. That is one of my favorite things, but usually its not that easy for me. Too much or too little, never enough. Well actually last night I slept enough, because I woke up refreshed before the alarm and sun was shining! It really was awesome and I think that was one thing that has my day so great, even when I'm feeling bloated because of my period and nervous of today's weigh in. I got five and half hours before it, and already nervous. I have this feeling that nothing has changed  and if nothing really has changed, I'm afraid that I'll eat something unhealthy and then I'll binge.

Tea and water really helps me during the day, especially if there are cravings.

Tea and water helps me quite a lot. Today my co-worker said that my lunch looks "dinky", in other words small. Well quite many times it feels small, but I have used to eating this for lunch and I like it. The Pasta even tastes good. There was some cake again at the office and I stood there staring at it for few minutes thinking if I should have some, just a little bit. Everybody said that the cake was really good, you should have some and for the great shame of mine, I did. This really small slice of cake and it wasn't even that good. That made me wonder that do British complement something if it's not that good, but they want to polite? I think that sounds more American to me.

Now I feel bad, because I ate the small piece of cake and I'm starting to get these urges about eating more unhealthy stuff, because I already screwed up. But it doesn't go like that. Yes, I ate some cake, yes, it's not good for my diet, yes, I know that I'm not in ketosis anymore and I know that soon I'm craving more of everything that is not good for me. But now I'm going to forget the piece of cake that I had and continue towards the future. Because if I'm going to think about it all the time, I will feel like eating more of it.

I've been trying to find more weight loss blogs, especially if somebody is writing their experiences about Cambridge weight plan, so feel free to tell me good ones! I have read this really good one, that is in Finnish. there this person lost over 32 kilos and looks amazing! I want to succeed like she did.

Now it's time to continue writing my thesis plan, finally getting somewhere with the whole thing. Wish me luck.