sunnuntai 26. heinäkuuta 2015

Sitting at the bottom, looking up

Today is not a good day. The rain and sad songs are telling that. Don't feel like doing anything, just staying in my own space, drinking tea, trying to forget the hunger that seems to be my constant companion. I've eaten today, porridge for breakfast and soup for lunch. I'm not hungry, but my brain tries to tell me that I am. It's the cravings trying to come up and remind me that they exist. But they don't, not to me, not today.

Who am I kidding. Food has been something that is always there for me, food doesn't judge, it comforts me, especially all the wrong kinds of food. The one's with fat carbs and fats, with no nutritional value. At the moment the craving for Reece's Pieces is huge and that is one reason why I'm not going to leave the house today. Just staying inside, drinking lemon water and normal tea. 

There could have been so many things to do, places to see, but no. There is this constant struggle for trying not to eat unhealthy, trying to be like everyone else, fit and beautiful and everything I'm not. I feel like I'm not strong enough, it's very hard for me and I feel like I'm going to be left behind. I'm forgotten and then I forget myself and start eating again as a comfort.

Moving here was my choice, could have stayed in Finland, seeing friends and family more often, enjoying the time spent there, but I chose to come here. And some times I regret it so much, why I could not be happy there? Why did I have to leave? At the moment I would be having a movie night with V, eating good food and just being there and talking, maybe staying the night. Now I just feel like I'm losing my mind or at least what's left of it. 

I could quit, just say f*ck it and walk to Tesco, buy these huge amounts of junk food, eat them and then I would hate myself more than I do at the moment. I'm not going to quit. I'm having soon some pasta and water with it. But I'm not going to start over, I'm continuing the path I'm on. Even with the depressed thoughts and feelings of misery. 

Could be worse.

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